I was browsing through FB earlier and noticed that my ex-crush is in a relationship. I checked the girl's profile and my heart ached. She's somewhere in UK.

.. and I am here. Still a student. Doing online jobs. Financially dependent.

.. I did nothing that is expected of my age.

.. totally a loser.

I wish I could just stop feeling sorry for myself (or being pessimistic) and look at everything in a brighter light but it's hard. I was born this way. Hopefully, God would enlighten me.. and lift up my mood.

I miss writing down my thoughts, emotions, and anything.. Will start again today..

I want to start a Tour business. It wouldn't be the kind that has a physical shop. I was planning on having it all online. This would include the suggested accommodations and places to visit and the likes.

My fingers and toes are cold due to the excitement. I'll start now by developing the site. Wish me luck.

Months have passed. A lot has crossed my mind - thoughts and emotions.

June 5 was my cousin Junjun's wedding day in Cebu. I got there June 3 while father arrived hours before the wedding. When I saw him, I felt like crying. He was wearing a polo with some buttons missing and a black pants with white dirt near the ankle area. I looked at the people around me and the picture didn't look good. Whenever there were events before, it would seem like father was the guest of honor, a very special person. But at that day, he looked as if he noticed the scene and I felt like he felt little. He didn't have anyone to talk to at first.. And that night, while under the influence of Tanduay, he mentioned that he was a failure. I changed the topic right away; i couldn't bear to listen to him express himself. I know he has a lot to say, and it would only make me cry.

At that visit, I think it ended with me and Nover as an item. I'm not really sure about our status right now.

Also, after that Cebu visit, I prefer staying home. ^_^

I want to finish my studies. God, give me the patience to go to classes.

I wanted to start my own business (resto bar, snacks shop, convenience store, travel agency,...).

i didnt plan on going out yesterday, but im glad i did.

papa asked me to attend the assembly in booy. i saw jonah drove by with a plastic which i assumed was full of chips - for drinking session. i was hurt because he didnt send any other message for that day except the morning greeting. a few minutes after, i got a text from gerard asking me if i knew that nover is already married. i was more hurt. that was when i decided to go to lyt's and get some out of my system.

i was there around 5pm. had siopao and coke for snacks. louie passed by then we had our pancit dinner. watched pilipinas got talent, had a few laughs. by 10pm, we went to bojol and had 2 buckets. walked for a few blocks to look for food. decided to go to angel's burger but decided not to eat there. ended up at martins.

had another bucket and pork asado. lyt talked about his relationship with angeli. while we were deep in our conversation, louie butted in about "us" during the slaphaus days. he said that that was real. i believed him, i see no point of him lying. tears fell. at least, i know someone loved/liked me. i appreciate what he did.

thank you louie.

mother opened the eatery last monday, february 8.

i was in maribojoc on the 7th with lyt. went back to the city the next day at noon.

missed danyol's birthday on the 13th to be with parekoys at chikenamut.

highest level ang stress!

by the way, minutes ago, quing and i were talking about my friends from work. she kept commenting about how the call center community got real popular (std). it kind of affected me because i was there. as i was sharing this story of a friend and her escapades, she commented that "maybe, she's the kind of girl who's looking for s**." then the story moved to my relationship with a married man. i regretted my action afterwards because it seemed like she thinks im gross - ouch.

He came by Monday night, got the thing. Asked me to go out and drink; declined. Slept. By 4am, he just wouldn't stop calling. Wanted to turn off my phone but I read his message about nowhere to go at that hour. I suggested some of his friends but he said he couldn't go there - whatever!

It happened. Worse, right after it happened, he just stood and got ready to leave. Ggggrrrr.. I wanna know what am I to him!

December 29, 2009
02:27PM
A family of a mother and 2 small kids came by the house asking for alms. I was a bit pissed because they kept on calling while I was looking for something to give them. Usually, money are given but today, mother told me to give 5 pieces of bread. I was a little ashamed when I handed the bread coz' maybe the family was expecting some coins. But after the mother took the plastic, the kids including the mother, couldn't wait to get hold of the bread. I felt guilty - its like they almost have nothing, they were hungry. Unya ako pa jud ang ga-sapot sapot.

December 30, 2009
08:32PM
I accompanied Niña to the city to have her pictures printed for a project. I noticed a driver with his left arm on a sling, and his eyes were closed!!! I was shocked. When I looked back, he was already awake but looked so tired. I imagined the worst, like an accident. If you think about it, drivers are usually the ones to be blamed. But if we consider another angle, he's out there driving for a living. Murag gikumot akong heart maghuna-huna.

I just finished watching Labor Pains starring Lindsay Lohan. The content was so-so but what got me hooked was Lindsay's clothes and how it looks good on her. I remembered Georgia Rule; same thing, I love her fashion statement.

I don't like dressing up but I like watching people looking chick. Hehe.. Wish I'd have a body like Lohan, and her height. I'd really be motivated to look pretty all the time.

..that's the name they call Grace's place.

My plans yesterday were to go to galingan, then attend BoEx party and BWS pre-reunion party. By noon, Budoy called and asked me to come to Grace's. That meant, adding Baclayon to my list of places-to-be.

I went with Leahra to the BoEx party. Budoy kept calling that he's coming to pick me up, which meant I will no longer be coming to the BWS pre-reunion at Atmospheres. I brought Leahra with me. Then invited Ico and Lyt. Ken was absent; added were Jasper and Andy. Survived the whole night. Wew!

While Leahra and I were bathing in the pool, I remembered my parents. I noticed that lately they are not-the-usual considerate of my lakaws and that made me feel guilty.

We arrived in the city at 6pm then went to K of C to hear mass. Walked to Mcdo and just talked. While waiting for the motorela to be full, I saw Papa going to church. I wanted to cry; I feel sorry for him. He will be attending mass by himself - will look so alone. I know he is tired. I am happy that he doesn't care what he looked or how he looked - but maybe deep inside, he is aware. I wanted to provide for my parents (can't see this coming in the near future).

There are times that I could recall all the things my family did for me, and I wanted to make them feel that it is appreciated. Like now, I wanted to hug my parents. And last night, Vanessa - for doing an errand for me.

Our surrounding was quiet..

I helped with the chores to make our house presentable. I didn't eat ahead because I was hoping that we'd eat together as a family. Vanvan had her dinner right after I arranged the table. Father arrived at 9pm. My plan wasn't realized.

I thank the Lord for all the blessings. But I wanna puke. My stomach was so full. I had a shoutout in FB last week that I will be having my last stick.. Haha.. I had one earlier (oily foods make me uggh!).

After hearing mass, my sister Niña gave us all gifts - swwweeeet of her!

..it's Christmas and our surroundings became quieter.