November 3

1pm was the meeting time at Bohol Museum. I was so guilty because I talked back to my mother just to be able to attend the event. I got there at 2pm. We arrived in Panglao around 3pm. I had my period. Left Panglao at 5pm. I kayaked with John Rey. VERY NICE EXPERIENCE! I was able to cross the island merely by paddling. Around 7pm, Leahra and others arrived. Hours after, the drinking began. Was so drunk, puked, did something with Tot. I regretted the latter though; kept me wondering what he thought of me as a woman.

November 4

Left the island around 9am. It was Leahra's turn to paddle. In the middle of the islands, we swam. So cool! Reached the city minutes before lunch. Vincent texted that they'll be at Dao Diamond. Leahra and I  tambayed there. She had her interview while I stayed at Dao. By 4pm, we left for pantalan for our food trip. Had kwek-kwek, tempura, penoy for Leahra, ice cream, cooked canton. Then, we went to Dubap's place for sinugbang tolingan and some drinks. Got home at 11pm.

**scared to face my parents tomorrow**

I climbed the door
And opened the stairs
I said my pajamas
And put on my prayers
Then turned off my bed
And crawled into the light
All because you kissed me good-night

Next morning, I woke
And scrambled my shoes
Polished my eggs and
Toasted the news
I couldn't tell my left from right
All cause you kissed me good-night.

That evening, at last,
I felt normal again
I called up my mother
and picked up the phone
I spoke to my puppy
And threw my dad a bone
Even at midnight
The sun was still bright
All because you kissed me good-night

• Colt 45 at Bansoy's. Michael, Boning, Bansoy, Nicel
• visited a friend of Boning, his mother's death anniversary. Bansoy, Boning, Janri
  
• Tropics with Bansoy and Boning to meet their friends from high school: Ian, Ermac and one guy.. Ermac, so cute! [just disappointed that it seemed like they aren't interested]
• Arce, Gov, Leahra, Virna, Russel at Lazer - Arce's birthday (July 10)
• partttyyyy! saw Ico, Alde, Leizel.. Boning's friends went in too and it only proved that they weren't interested. I so regretted that I partied like an animal - I needed composure! Saw Bordik too, he saw me with Gov.. That night, I planned to ask him but by judging on his responses, he no longer wanted it - so sad =(

Yesterday, was just at home, related my vices and boys to Dindin. I then realized during the catharsis that what I was doing the past years were luod. I felt worthless. I let them do this to me, duelingadvice was right.

Went to Calape last night. We'll be on our way now to Danao: Arce, Gov, Bonbon, Marivel, Thea, Mama Ting.

I’m bothered by my sister – I saw leaves in her purse with a rolled foil from a cigar pack, which I believe is what they use on weed sessions (I’m not certain on how to express this).

She confided once that she tried it. I told her not to do it again, and shared experiences of my friends and its effects. Months passed and now, I saw that she already has it handy. I don’t know how to handle this.

I had a 2-week relationship with a guy. Even with the short time, I still want to consider him as someone special. I had personal issues that I believe would be handled better if he wouldn't be involved. After a week, I learned that he found someone new. That made me really sad.

We had a chance to talk two weeks after that and he poured out his sentiments. In respect to his new girl, I kept my distance (he was drunk). However the next day, I wished that he'd continue bugging me with his "sorry/s". It didn't happen though. He said that he's confused. Having said that, I gave him his space.

Another time came when I was there and so was he. Same topics were discussed. Then we became physical. I knew my place. Next day, he was no longer as sweet as the previous day.

Yesterday, he happened to be in the city. We had a bucket, videoke and was getting physically engrossed. He was supposed to go home by 5pm but I guess he was na-bitin, he extended his time in the city. We had dinner then went to Cottage. Weeeh.. Whatta night!

He went inside for a few seconds then wanted me to be on top. Since Im not good at it, I refused; at the same time he's done already. Small talks, blah blah. He kept glancing at his phone, said he had to go by 8pm. I felt like a slut. Then, asked me to go down. I don't know what made me do it but I did, though it wasn't finished. Thinking about it now, I find it ewww.. I mean, I don't think there was even love! I stopped, told him I wasn't satisfied. He went on top but urgh! I can't help but compare him to my other special. Lucky was way better!

Today, seems like he's no longer interested. I was hoping that by what we did last night, we would somehow be like before --- messages from morning till evening. And every message sounds like he really wanted to know what's up with me.

Today, I am sad. I am confused. I am desperate. I feel like trash, dirty, and so unworthy!